A few weeks ago I had the privlege of attending the debut reading of my friend's first soon to be published novel. A wonderful experience in itself, but also the impetus for the following ramble.
After listening to Matt read from the final pages of his book, the 3 Canadians in the room- me, Matt and Owen- merged in a corner and started talking about our future plans. It started with the whole idea of what it takes to write a full novel from beginning to end. It was during this conversation that I came upon the stark realization that for the first time in probably my whole life, I don't have any long term goals.
There is not a single thing that I am striving towards at the moment (again, I'm talking long term). I'm not sure how or why this has happened. I know that in coming to Japan I have learned to live more in the present. No, let me rephrase that. I have learned to live in the present. I had never done that before. But now I feel like maybe I've swung to the opposite end of the spectrum and I live too much in the short term, immediacy of my existance.
I haven't decided yet if this is cause for concern. I'm leaning towards 'no'. I seem to be doing fine, causing no harm to myself or others this way. I don't feel like I'm spinning my wheels by staying here in Japan year after year like many people do. I find it funny when individuals come here and stay one one or two years and then insist they have to get back to "the real world".
Why can't the real world be where ever you happen to be at the time. Why does Canada have to be the real world; why does teaching here under the title of "ALT" have to be less legitimate than being in a classroom at home?
I used to make most of my decisions based on what I thought others wanted me to do, or thought I should do. I've learned to make decisions now according to what 'feels' right to me. I still stumble and make mistakes, but for the most part I'm much happier with my life now than I was in the past.
Ok, I'm straying from the topic...
Why don't I have any long term goals?
While talking to Matt and Owen one of them asked, "Well, don't you want to be in a relationship and have a family?"
I answered honestly and openly that yes, I do want those things. But I can't make that a 'goal'. I used to think that way. It used to be a 'goal' - until I realized that I have no control over who will fall in love with me and want to have children with me -and whether it will be mutual. It's a want or a desire, or even a dream, but it's not something I can take aim at.
Sure, I have lots of wants. I want to travel more, I want to be better at Japanese, I want to teach, I want to get my Masters degree, I want to have children, I want a vintage VW collection, I want to be thin...
But unlike in times past, I don't have anything marked on my life calendar. There's no "Save X amount of dollars to fix up my Thing." or "Start my Masters by 2008." I haven't a clue if I'll ever own my own house, have a 'career' - or even when my next trip abroad will be.
Part of me thinks that it's just a temporary inability to commit. Another part of me thinks that I'm just being lazy, for lack of a better word...
Yet I don't feel guilty. I don't feel bad. Rather I'm feeling a slight sense of awe about the whole thing. Where once there was a perception of linear progress to my future, I find the current view to be vacantly chaotic -or chaotically vacant, take your pick.
Wants, desires and dreams sitting just ahead of today, but nothing in any particular order or place.
Wants, desires and dreams waiting for me to cement them down to a time - to a latitude and longitude - to a single point which one day will be 'now'.
Where once this activity of choosing and putting things into their appropriate slots along my life's continuum -getting my driver's licence, graduating from high school, graduating from university - was effortless, fun, and if not somewhat predetermined, I find that at the moment I have neither the desire nor the energy needed to seek out and persue new badges to sew on my sash.
And what baffles me even further about my present state of mind is that I'm not concerned about what other people may think about this! Ha! There seems to be low levels of stress involved in this state of being. Perhaps that's just it. Without goals, there is no stress or worry of acheiving.
-Or more pointedly: failing.
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3 comments:
Well, Interesting analysis about your life.
I respect you because you do think about that.
I am in the same boat that is why I am doing what I am doing in Tokyo.
From the point of view of Japanese person lived in a foreign country
for some years, I thnik, a lot of foreigners in Japan (especially from English speaking countries) are staying in their comfotable zones because I have met only few foreigners who speak admirable level of Japanese.
I have to agree with the kazzjp. Strangely enough there is a comfort zone when you're a foreigner in Japan, especially if you're an ALT. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the language or lack of it. I'm not saying you're avoiding the "real world" as Japan was my life and was the real thing when I was there too, but I hope that there will be something for you to strive for, whether it is learning more Japanese, creating more stimulating and effective lessons for you students, or whatever. If it's a serene feeling of living for the moment and there's a sense of joy, then you're on the right track. But if it's just existing and being numb, then I hope it passes and there will be something for you to aim for some time in the next 50 years of life. Otherwise, that's a lot of time to use up watching the rice grow. So, because Japan is your real world, embrace it and enjoy it but don't forget that no real world is perfect whether there or here.
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